The devil went down to...

For nearly 500 years, foreigners were banned from entering the Forbidden City in Beijing. We are allowed in now so let’s go see it!
- Cris

The Forbidden City

If there is one thing Americans are exceptionally good at, it is underestimating the scale of things that aren't Texas. I arrived in Beijing thinking the Forbidden City would be a lovely morning stroll, perhaps followed by a light dim sum. I was wrong. The Forbidden City is not a "city" in the way we think of a quaint downtown district; it is a 180-acre exercise in architectural dominance designed to make you feel exactly as large as a single grain of rice. I was drenched in sweat and questioning my own judgement by hour 3.

The Gate of "Are We There Yet?"

Entering through the Meridian Gate, you are immediately confronted by the sheer audacity of the Ming and Qing dynasties. For 500 years, this was the exclusive playground of emperors, their families, and enough eunuchs to fill a football stadium. As an American, my first instinct was to look for the gift shop or a Starbucks. While there is coffee to be found, it is eclipsed by the sea of yellow-tiled roofs. Yellow, I learned, was the imperial color.

If you wore yellow back in the day and weren't the Emperor, the punishment was significantly worse than a fashion ticket. My face was bright red from the heat so I was safe from the yellow enforcers.

Going Somewhere? Protect Your Trip (and Your Sanity)

Grandeur, Grates, and Glutes

The layout is a straight line of increasingly massive halls. First, you hit the Hall of Supreme Harmony. This is where the big stuff happened: weddings, coronations, and presumably, very long meetings. The woodwork is spectacular, held together without a single nail. As someone who struggle to assemble IKEA furniture with a detailed manual and a bag of spare screws, this level of craftsmanship is personally offensive.

The scale of the courtyards is where the "American workout" begins. There is no shade. The Ming Emperors were apparently terrified of assassins hiding behind trees, so they simply didn't plant any in the main ceremonial areas. Walking across the white marble plazas in the Beijing sun feels like being a bagel in a very fancy toaster. You will see tourists equipped with umbrellas, portable fans, and outfits that look like they're prepping for a lunar landing. Join them. Vanity dies at the third gate.

The Emperor’s Bathtub (and Other Essentials)

As you move toward the back, things get "cozier," which is a relative term. The Inner Court is where the Emperor actually lived. You’ll see giant bronze vats that were kept filled with water in case of fire. In the winter, they’d light fires underneath them to keep the water from freezing. It’s basically the world’s first, most stressful hot tub.

Looking at the intricate thrones and the "Thousand Autumns Pavilion," you realize that while the Emperor had absolute power, he also never got to leave his house. It was the world's most gilded witness protection program.

The Exit Strategy

By the time you reach the Imperial Garden at the north end—finally, trees!—your fitness tracker will likely be smoking. You’ve walked through the heart of Chinese history, survived the "sea of people" (ren shan ren hai), and gained a profound respect for anyone who had to deliver mail in the 17th century.

At this point, you may need to sit for a minute to quell the rising panic attack of ‘where the heck am I?’ and ‘how do I get out?’ The answer is slowly, methodically, and with many requests for directions. Do not wait until you are exhausted to start the trek back out. You will find yourself evaluating the space under porches for places to hide and sleep through the night before starting again in the morning.

My advice? Wear your best sneakers, bring more water than you think is legal, and remember: if you get tired, just imagine being a Ming official doing this in silk robes and heavy boots. It makes the flight back to the Land of the (sort of) Free feel like a breeze. Oh yeah, throw elbows. The Grandmas sitting under those few trees threw elbows like a champ and will respect you if you dislodge one of them. It’s survival of the person-with-the-pointiest-elbow. Respect.

Final note: when you finally break free and get outside, be prepared for long lines of taxis waiting to take you back to the hotel. Each driver will claim not to speak English. Each of them speaks flawless English. Ask the price at the first cab, pause, shake your head and go to the next cab. You will find yourself surrounded by drivers bidding for your cab fare. Your actual price will be 20% of the first quoted price (80% discount). Say calmly ‘must speak English’ and then look bored. Suddenly, miracles happen and each driver speaks English. It’s a total scam. Don’t let them fool you. They’re hustling.

The Forbidden City is cool to visit simply because ‘white devils’ were banned for hundreds of years. Let’s face it, they could be banned again. Go and visit now before the opportunity is gone.

See you next Wednesday.

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